How to Quit Reddit for the Weak

NOTE: This is a satirical post.  Here is the serious answer.

Reddit addiction.

I was a regular just like you.  I bought Reddit gold (I know right).  I did the setting it as my homepage thing and used Reddit Enhancement Suite (best greasemonkey script of all time…of ALL TIME).  Reddit was my go-to place for finding interesting content no one had heard of.  It sparked Revolutions (your welcome) and genuinely funny memes, Ragecomics made their home there as did the ever lovable Narwhal and that little Reddit alien Teletubby mascot with the weird laser eyes.

And now look at it.

Roaming bands of trolls and clowns, repetitive image posts on the front page and zero insight top posts.  So here, as a manner of cleansing the soul once and for all of Reddit, is my extended list of what I hate and what I love about dearest Reddit (It’s down as I type this).

Lettuce begin the airing of grievances.

What I hate about Reddit:

  • Trolls – Trolling reddit was an art back in its heyday.  Many would come from far and wide to try their hand at the three trials of reddit trolling.  And then the good ones left and we we’re left with Andrew.
  • All caps – Some can pull it off, if you’re doing it, you probably can’t.  The most famous is probably Loud frat boy, who lasted a week before succumbing to the madness.  Has anyone ever managed to keep it up for long?
  • Pun threads getting to the top of comment listings – especially when you have something interesting to add to what you would expect to be a sane conversation as the top comment, but alas, it is not to be.  I like puns and a bit of fun as much as the next person, just not when they override mindblowing, insightful comments…which brings me to:
  • Downvotes for genuinely thoughtful posts – Its such a shame.  I wonder if the author realizes no one will ever read their 7 paragraph mini novela about why climate change leads to CO2 reductions not increases.  Well, I read it, and I upvoted it FOR THOUGHTFULNESS.  Which is what we’re supposed to be doing Reddit.
  • Hivemind – RAGE.  The way anything other than the standard argument is downvoted into oblivion without being given a chance.  I think it was Plato who said we should argue until we have a winner and never “agree to disagree”.  That’s impossible when you can’t even find your potential loser.
  • r/gaming sponsored by STEAM – We all know it.  Many have tried to create a side r/gaming style subreddit with genuine gaming content and it just isn’t happening.  We should be able to vote new admins in, but with one (very talented) programmer left at Reddit, good luck with that.
  • IMGUR – At first I was one of you, I loved it! but right now, after seeing 18 out of 25 of the front page links are imgur images, just like every day it seems, I’ve had enough.  I WANT CONTENT!  Some would argue the pics subreddit was created to house images, but a rule not enforced is not a rule, it’s a recommendation ( original quote (c) 2011).
  • Mario cakes – I just don’t give a ****.  Sorry!  I bet it was delicious though…FOR YOU.  Birthday karma ho-ing belongs here too, but it’s mostly forever aloners looking for a bone, so let’s not be **** about it.  Today you, tomorrow me.  Pay it forward.
  • Story Ragecomics in 7f12u/f7u12 – of course, also known as fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu, the original rage-comics were awesome funny 4 panel works of ART.  Until the gender wars began in late January.  Then it seemed the guys tried to keep the funny comics going and the ladies went for the “story time” vibe.  They won.  The rage-comics are still funny I guess, just not HAHA funny.  Pick and choose.  Pikachus.
  • THE FEAR in the eyes of users when they see something new – immediately labelling it as spam and returning to the safe cocoon of imgur and self posts, not realizing they’re missing out on actually expanding their minds with new information.  Something, if asked, they will claim to encourage.  THIS IS A LIE.
  • AndrewSmith1986 No reason :) [Not really Andrew, you’re awesome! :)].

What I love about Reddit:

Circlejerky – Dependably awesome humor.  Refreshingly taking the spoon out of the hivemind at all times, yet satisfying.  Other times its just plain awful.  Buyer beware.

Reddit Advice Animals – These are hilarious  and keep to their own subreddit with ardent fervour.  Thats what makes them magic.  They’re waiting for YOU to come to them.  Not every – single – time you open the reddit frontpage.

Genuinely interesting Reddit IAMA (I am a) posts by experts in their fields – Yes, there are a lot of fakes these days, but there’s still some serious quality now and then.  Whether you’d like to chat with a 3D printing economist or a comic book superstar artist, there’s something for everyone here.  I’ve learnt more from IAMA than I ever did in school that’s for sure.  Kids these days have an awesome source for real life experiences.

Askreddit – Interesting and at times profound questions posed regularly.  This is not sarcasm. </sarcasm>

The camaraderie – One could argue this is natural byproduct of the hivemind, but the camaraderie around events is indeed moving.  Whether its everyone coming together to make sure a random stranger they know only as “chunkyfat32” is not jumping from a great height or laying it down on the scheming cat graper.  Its always fun to grab the popcorn and watch events unfold before your eyes as they do their thing.  A well deserved Brofist.

At the end of the day, I’d say I’ve definitely received value from visiting and being a part of Reddit.  Definitely.  But, it’s just not fun anymore.  There’s other things to get on with and do that will have a greater payoff for time invested.  Whether its learning a new language, hitting the gym, deleting Facebook, travelling or just meeting new people.

Would I say everyone should quit Reddit cold turkey? probably not.  But I’d say cutting down to once a day can’t hurt.  Become a lurker.  Once the orangered is not your master, life becomes easier.  You’ll see the light once again for the trees.

I’ll miss you Reddit, like a friend who turned scumbaggy but liked to go down.  F5.  Still down.

Was it ever meant to be?

I haven’t got a clue.  But France is Bacon and i’m (nearly) out of memes you’ve probably never heard of.


(- Sent from my Iphone.)

Edit: I’d like to congratulate anyone making it this far through the field of broken glass that is this post.  pee on the tree using the box below.

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13 Responses to How to Quit Reddit for the Weak

  1. Seriously, it sounds like you have some mainstream reddit blues. Try deleting all of your subreddits and clicking random until you find a bunch of small ones that you like. It’s completely worth it and it gets rid of a lot of the major problems.

  2. You might want to check out Archfinch. Not many comments, but high quality articles nonetheless.

    • I just went there. Great content but the layout and color scheme hurts my eyes. The posts also seem a little dated, as an example, the second page had digitizing books using captchas – I’m pretty sure I saw that a few years ago….

  3. Maybe just keep a feed to /r/depthhub and let others do the searching for gold in the river of shit for you.

  4. You fogrgot to mention how f****g annoying it is that everyone puts a picture of their g*ay as**n f***g cat on reddit too.

    • Yeah I had that under mario cake and had to delete it, along with pics of your gf holding said cat :).

  5. Gotta say, you really didn’t talk about “how to” quit reddit, answerhat. I mean, I was legitimately looking for some enlightenment. Instead, you rant about the BS that *whispers* everyone with a brain knows about.

  6. Pingback: How to quit Reddit (serious version) |

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  8. Johnny Mcallister

    People actually like advice animals????.